The abuse of men is much more prevalent than studies show, according to workers in the field, and they say it’s resulting in a loss to society of the more gentle and caring of the male landscape. American men are four times more likely than women to take their own lives, says Dr. Justin Denney, a sociologist at the University of Colorado.
Telling Encourages New Victimization
Mistreated men won’t speak up to save themselves from cruel spouses, says Frances Strauss, victim services co-ordinator at the Men’s Trauma Centre in Victoria, B.C. She says wives threaten to “call the police and say you hit me.” She says husbands often keep quiet so they won’t lose access to their children.
In his book Abused Men (Greenwood Publishing Group), Philip Cook says men are taught to tough things out in silence, and would rather die than suffer the humiliation of being laughed at for being weaker than a woman. What most people don’t realize, Strauss says, is that women abusers usually ambush men.
A Barrie, Ontario area man in his 50s was finally able to escape a physically abusive marriage when his severely disabled son was accepted for separate, special housing. The man reports that his alcoholic wife would yank out his hair, burn him with cigarettes and kick him when he fell asleep and didn’t keep her company. The man, who asked for his identity to be concealed, says that one night as he slept with an arm extended from the bed, his wife bit down on a finger and he loosened two of her teeth when he awoke and yanked his hand out of her mouth. She had him jailed for "punching her teeth out." Evidence to the contrary got the man out of jail eventually. He now suffers from post traumatic stress disorder. The well liked, gentle father says he was too embarrassed to call anyone, and, he says, people still believe his wife’s convincing lies.
Men can be Victims of Long-term Abuse
Twenty six-year old Dustin LaFortune was dumped at a Regina Hospital in such horrific condition that he had to be put on life support. His mother says he was tortured for months. When Dustin was finally able to speak, he fingered his roommate and boss in Calgary. LaFortune’s ex-girlfriend, Lindsay Airhart, had visited the pair in Calgary, and told the Winnipeg Free Press that Dustin was only allowed to eat one meal a day. LaFortune’s old neighbour, Tannis Melville-Oberten, said LaFortune often had visible injuries that he blamed on falling furniture.
Abused Males See Perpetrators Freed
Even if they brave the ridicule and humiliation of revealing their inability to defend themselves, boys and men often see justice fail. A high-profile junior hockey coach pleaded guilty in Canada in 1997 to sexual assaults on Sheldon Kennedy and another player. While investigating further allegations against Graham James by Theo Fleury, a former NHL star, James was tracked down in Mexico by reporters. The Canadian Press discovered that James was pardoned in 2007. That means the former coach could slip through a criminal records check and work with children, the disabled or other vulnerable people according to the Globe and Mail.
Warning Signs of Male Abuse
There are behaviour patterns that can earmark a spouse or partner as an abuser. The perpetrator:
- puts him down frequently
- does all the talking, drawing attention to herself
- takes credit for every good outcome and blames him for every bad outcome
- checks up on him repeatedly, questions and criticizes everything he does
- complains frequently, claims to be the victim and acts depressed
- exaggerates and even lies to try to make herself look good
- acts superior and of more value
Many people who are abused give clear indications. The victim:
- is frequently injured and/or bruised
- is frequently absent from work if he is able to work
- acts withdrawn, rarely talks and doesn’t appear to have many friends
Even if the victim is reluctant to report abuse, others can rally around him and help and encourage him to go to a safe place and get help. It is important to be persistent, understanding that escape can seem insurmountable to someone whose confidence has been shattered.
Join the Conversation